


One And Only

by ikot_ikot



Category: The Musketeers (2014)
Genre: Everyone else shows up maybe in the second half of this, M/M, Mainly d'Art and Athos
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-20
Updated: 2018-01-01
Packaged: 2019-01-01 01:23:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12145548
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikot_ikot/pseuds/ikot_ikot
Summary: A case of a message sent to the wrong number. Basically Athos has a new phone and mistakenly sends d'Artagnan a text meant for someone else and it develops from there. Doesn't get any more AU than this.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> long note is long. so a disclaimer: I feel like this is an excuse to be lazy with prose so i’m just gonna write it as a series of texts and no one can do nuthin bout it. I haven't written anything in like, 8 years, like all my shit is still on LJ/ffnet. Probably more than 8 years, tbh. I'm new to this fandom, and I only discovered the series because I had nothing else to watch on Netflix and this show was suggested to me because my mother watched some period drama on my account.
> 
> Also I went through Boyfriend from Gascony like a thirsty woman in an oasis but I’m trying not to like, accidentally redo something there but I literally just ate up the entire verse so please don’t hesitate to tell me if there’s something vaguely plagiarize-y in this!!!
> 
> This fic was supposed to be all cutesy and schmoopy but I did so much fucking research for this and I’ve only been to Paris once in my life and the city is nowhere even near the Top 15 European cities I’ve been to. In fact… it’s one of my hatest so yeah I probably didn’t do any justice to the city of love and all that. Any nitpicking is welcome.
> 
> I kind of have an outline for this fic so... here goes nothing. Let me know if the formatting is funky, I've never posted here before. I'm tempted to use a skin or code something but I can't be fucked to learn the formatting on ao3 right now so if i give up I might just do it on tumblr. Lemme know if the bold or italics are hard to read, I can remove the formatting on one of them.
> 
> I feel like I should let this sit a few days and write a few more chapters but I have zero self control so here's the first chapter. Betas and cheerleaders are appreciated. Finally writing again after a million years and I can't believe it's this fandom dragging me back into it. Can't say I regret it though.
> 
> Tl;dr The whole fic is in this weird format. I haven't written a fic in years. Read at your own risk. Betas are welcomed.

[Monday, March 6, 2017]

[9:58AM]

**Just received an email from the witch’s lawyers about the custody case and I need to make arrangements. I’ll prep you for it on Wednesday. I’m going to be late today. Push back the meeting to this afternoon and distract the captain from my absence.**

**If I’m not there by 1300, I’m probably dead. My lawyer has my will.**

 

[9:59AM]

_Wow wtf_

_Who is this?_

_I may or may not know a person or 2 who would actually send me this text tho_

 

[10:01AM]

**I apologize, I seem to have entered the wrong number.**

_Well, don’t stop on my account. Seems like you’re having a good start to your week…_

 

[10:03AM]

_On that note, should I call the police if I don’t hear from you by the PM?!?!?!?! Serious Q_

 

[10:04AM]

**Please don’t call the police. I see my sad attempts at a joke does not translate well via SMS. I seem to have sent my colleague into a panic with the same message.**

 

[10:05AM]

**And what do you mean by “by the PM”?**

_Not sure if ur messing with me with your impeccable grammar_

_PM = afternoon. Q is question btw_

_And btw means by the way, btw_

 

[10:08AM]

**How enlightening. I’m truly sorry for my SMS. It won’t happen again.**

_LOL okay old man won’t disturb u, thx 4 providing me w a break from my boring morning tho!_

 

[10:09AM]

**You’re welcome.**

 

\---

 

[2:21PM]

_r u alive? Just checking in to make sure!! I’m ready to call 112_

 

[2:23PM]

**Sadly, yes, I am alive. Please don’t dial 112.**

_you just evaded death, celebrate your being alive!!!!!_

 

[2:26PM]

**Unfortunately I am still at risk of death. I’m now stuck in a very boring and banal meeting and my partner is a child. The captain is giving us his angry eyes #4.**

_lol omg what’s ur partner doing_

_also pls give deets on angry eyes #4_

 

[2:28PM]

**I’m guessing you’re also very bored. And he’s building an eiffel tower of paper clips.**

 

[2:29PM]

_omg cool!! Pics or it didn’t happen_

_And why yes, I am bored af_

 

[2:30PM]

**Angry eyes #4 has leveled up and my captain’s mouth is now thinning and disappearing into his impressive beard. I think I should hide my phone now...**

 

[2:32PM]

_LOL I can so imagine it, I have an uncle who does that!!!_

_ah shit i’m also on the receiving end of a death glare now gtg!!_

 

[2:35PM]

**I’m hoping it’s your language teacher giving you that glare because your extensive vocabulary can definitely use some improvement.**

 

\---

 

[Monday, March 13, 2017]

[10:08AM]

_xcuse u, i am done with school and uni!!!_

 

[10:14AM]

**I’m sorry, who is this? Your number didn’t register in my phonebook.**

 

[10:15AM]

_the stranger u sent last week’s monday plans to_

_I just had a conversations about legal wills and I remembered u_

_also phonebook?! What century did u come from_

 

[10:17AM]

**Oh, it’s you. I’ll have you know that I am updated enough to know that sending messages to strangers on the internet is frowned upon.**

 

_wow don’t sound so enthusiastic… and hate to break it to u, but we’re not using the internet right now_

 

[10:18AM]

**You’re bored again, aren’t you?**

_don’t try to change the subject, grandpa. And you keep replying to me so what does that say about u!!!_

_and yes I am, it’s 10am on a monday, of course I’m bored_

 

[10:21AM]

**What happens on 1000, Monday?**

 

[10:28AM]

_deliveries (Sleeping Face ) at the height of it, in fact. gotta oversee and make sure the same delivery guys who’s been delivering to this same address every monday for the past 20 years don’t steal anything _

_like i don’t know their fam and where they live or anything (Face With Rolling Eyes )_

 

[10:35AM]

**Maybe you shouldn’t be slacking on the job. Complacency breeds failure and they could betray you quicker than you can imagine.**

_woah there. okay. some1 woke up on the wrong side of the bed_

 

[10:36AM]

**Go back to your work; you’re not getting paid to talk with strangers.**

_ok, sorry dude. Won’t txt u again_

 

\---

 

[Wednesday, March 15, 2017]

[12:35PM]

**I’m terribly sorry for how I acted the other day.**

 

[12:41PM]

_and he lives!!! no prob. Everyone has an off day_

_altho for all i know, that’s u on a normal day??? (Face Screaming In Fear )_

 

[12:42PM]

**My friends wouldn’t call me friendly, but I’m usually not a dick either.**

 

[12:43PM]

 _oh you just said a bad word, you_ _sesquipedalian_ _deviant, who knew you had it in you_

_also, i like how you put ‘usually’ there. Is it u trying to hint that i should prepare for possibly more dick-ish moments?_

 

[12:45PM]

 **Only pretentious** **sesquipedalian pricks use the word sesquipedalian**

_anyway all’s forgiven. Idk what i expected from a complete stranger tbh_

_LOL that’s def true but i guarantee you i’m not a prick. My friends will vouch for me_

 

[12:47PM]

**Idk? Tbh? Def?**

_idk = i don’t know. Tbh  = to be honest. Def = definitely_

_Ha! Who needs to go back to school now, grandpa?_

 

[12:48PM]

**That’s grandpa Athos to you, boy!**

_Huh???_

**You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed are you**

_LOOOOL OMG took me a few secs to understand u just gave me your name_

_hey!! U just caught me off guard that you’re not a robot and you can make a joke_

 

[12:49PM]

**My jokes fall flat when people are unable to hear me. Aramis also asked me if he should call the police after I made that joke last Monday.**

 

[12:50PM]

_tbf (to be fair), your first message made the entire thing plausible_

_is aramis the paper clip picasso?_

 

**TBF, the meeting I attended that morning really had a potential to end up in my murder. Did I use TBF correctly?**

 

[12:51PM]

**Yes, Aramis is the man-child. And I think it’s only proper manners to give your name instead of just leaving me hanging here.**

 

[12:55PM]

_yes you did! look who’s learning! gotta keep up with them young’uns!_

_omg is this the custody hearing are you some kind of rob kardashian and the mafia is out to get you for revenge pls hire a bodyguard_

_and what happened to stranger danger on the interwebz? U can’t just give ur name out like that, athos!!_

 

[1:01PM]

**What? I honestly don’t know where to start with your reply. Is interwebz the same as the internet?**

_oh, athos. much learn, you need!_

 

\---

 

[Monday, March 20, 2017]

[9:34AM]

**Had a meeting about the custody case again and I remembered you. I checked Rob Kardashian on Google. First of all, I’m not a lawyer. Or should I say I’m not the lawyer?**

 

[9:37AM]

_Oh. Athos :(_

_u okay?_

_that’s a really dumb question, sorry_

 

[9:38AM]

**His name is Watson.**

 

[9:40AM]

_Charles_

 

[9:41AM]

**I’ve no idea who Charles Watson is. I named him after Dr. Watson in Sherlock Holmes.**

_no, my name. It’s Charles_

**Oh.**

**Hi, Charles.**

 

\---

 

[Monday, March 27, 2017]

[10:01AM]

_athos_

 

[10:02AM]

_athooooosssss_

 

[10:03AM]

_ATHOS ATHOS ATHOS_

 

[10:04AM]

_Hey, Athos?_

 

[10:05AM]

**What is it, Charles?**

_so. bored._

 

[10:07AM]

**Oh, god, this is going to be a thing, isn’t it?**

_yup, def gonna be a thing hehehe (Face With Stuck-Out Tongue )_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> d'Artagnan feat. Turkey the Swoose

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'll dump my notes at the end but this fandom is so supportive like wow? also i don't really proof read aside from a cursory reread so... don't expect much.
> 
> also i just realized that it's basically impossible to pretend you're 2 completely different persons texting one another and still sound witty. i feel like that guy in split. it takes major effort not to make d'art sound like a 23 y.o. girl who spends all his time on tumblr. i'm only on chapter 2 and i'm already regretting this but your comments are keeping me afloat.

[Wednesday, April 5, 2017]

[12:02PM]

**Are we going to ignore the weirdness of this situation?**

 

[12:07PM]

_ athos, why are you deviating from our schedule _

_ and good afternoon to you too, by the way. And you lecture ME about manners… old men these days (Face With Rolling Eyes ) _

 

[12:08PM]

**Sorry, I’ll ask again on Monday!**

 

[12:09PM]

_ i’m kidding, grandpa (Old Man) _   
_ and what are you talking about? It’s only weird if u make it weird (Winking Face ) _

 

[12:10PM]

**Why do I feel like you say those exact words very often.**

 

[12:12PM]

_ (Winking Face ) (Winking Face ) (Winking Face ) _

_ besides, if you think about it, a weekly text date is just like having a weekly meeting _

_ except it’s via text and it’s with a person you’ve never met before _

 

[12:17PM]

**Oh, was this a date? You should have told me, I would have dressed better.**

_ … was that a sad attempt at a joke??? I think our budding relationship is developing that i can tell ur joking via text now _

 

[12:18PM]

_ we’re basically cyber pen pals. Did you have a pen pal as a kid, athos? Or does that not work for telegrams? _

 

[12:19PM]

**Oh, haha. You think you’re funny don’t you? I’m honestly surprised you even know what a pen pal is. Or a telegram.**

 

[12:22PM]

_ Believe me, i know i’m funny. And hey! I may be a country kid, but I’m not uneducated _

**Someone is a little conceited.**

_ takes one to know one, kind sir! _

 

[12:23PM]

**And the country? Where? Is it impudent of me to assume that you were a Parisian this entire time?**

 

[12:24PM]

_ Okay but really, only actual Parisians get insulted when other people assume otherwise (Face With Tears Of Joy ) _

**That’s actually very true.**

_ Everybody outside of Paris knows that (Face With Stuck-Out Tongue ) so i’m going to assume you’re a city boy born and bred _

 

[12:25PM]

**Technically, no. I was raised in Paris but I spent the weekends at the village I was born in**

 

[12:28PM]

_ … ur still like, an honorary Parisian tho, don’t deny it. What region u from??? _

 

[12:35PM]

**Hauts-de-France. Less than 2 hours away from the city. What about you?**

 

[12:39PM]

_ Lol we’re basically polar opposites!! I’m down down downnnn south _

 

[12:41PM]

**You’re not gonna tell me are you?**

 

[12:42PM]

_ Nope! Gotta keep it mysterious so u don’t lose interest in me _

 

[12:44PM]

**You’re definitely a better conversationalist than half the people I know, despite your atrocious spelling. Will you confirm the truth if I guess correctly though?**

 

[12:45PM]

_ don’t get me started on internet speak. i had a class on the evolution of internet linguistics and i will crush u _

_ come on, aramis sounds like a pretty exceptional bloke! yes but u only get 3 tries! _

 

[12:47PM]

**TBF (see what I did there), that sounds like an interesting class! And Aramis is an acquired taste.**

_ LOL the evolution of athos speak. and not sure if that was a backhanded compliment or like, backhanded insult _

 

[12:50PM]

**It was definitely an insult. Are you from Occitanie?**

_ i feel like i’m in an interrogation. but yes, i am from that region _

 

[12:52PM]

**I have this strong gut feeling that you’re a Gascon.**

 

[12:54PM]

_ That’s not a question!! Ur 100% correct tho and why do I feel like I know what you’re about to guess… _

**You’re from Condom aren’t you?**

_ I KNEW IT. And no! But really close that I can smell the latex in the air _

 

[12:55PM]

**Worth a shot.**

 

\---

 

[Tuesday, April 11, 2017]

[8:37AM]

_ I’M COVERED IN BIRD SHIT BUT MY FIRST SWOOSE FINALLY HATCHED I SHALL CALL HIM TURKEY MCDUCKWORTH THE FIRST _

 

[8:40AM]

**… I was honestly speechless for a good few minutes there. That has to be one of the strangest messages I’ve ever received.**

 

[8:41AM]

**And look who’s the deviant now, texting on a Tuesday!**

 

[8:45AM]

_ who r u to talk about strange messages? May i remind you of your lovely introduction... _

_ I like to go rogue once in a while, keeps the old man on his toes _

 

[8:46AM]

**You’re not going to stop with the age jokes are you?**

 

[8:50AM]

_ Never!!! How old r u anyway _

**Just goes to show how you have zero originality. Yawn.**

 

[8:51AM]

**And I’m calling stranger danger on this. I’m not telling you my age.**

 

[8:58AM]

_ What happened to me being a great conversationalist!! _

_ I’ll show u mine if you show me yours (Winking Face ) _

 

[9:00AM]

**Again, why do I feel like you say that often…**

 

[9:02AM]

_ And you can’t call stranger danger after you gave me your name first! _

_ LOL well arent u a funny guy _

 

[9:05AM]

**I aim to please.**

\---

[10:09AM]

**Wait, what the hell is a swoose?**

 

[10:21AM]

_ Google is your friend, athos. Google knows it all _

\---

[11:37AM]

**He’s neither turkey nor duck; why are you doing this to me?**

 

[11:38AM]

**And you don’t actually write “the first” like how you say it.**

 

[11:57AM]

_ I aim to annoy the hell outta u _

 

[11:58AM]

**Remind me never to introduce you to Aramis.**

 

\---

 

[Saturday, April 15, 2017]

[7:57AM]

**Chocolate easter eggs are one of the worst gastronomic creations of the modern world. I bet the Americans made it. Church bells make sense for Easter celebrations but eggs? Did Jesus shit eggs? I think not.**

 

[8:09AM]

_ wow r u drunk??? Why tf r u texting me at 8am on a sat ABOUT EASTER EGGS _

_ maybe they modelled it to Jesus droppin a deuce _

_ Omg is that blasphemy i was trying to be funny _

 

[8:12AM]

_ actually, early mesopotamian christians stained their eggs red in memory of Jesus’ crucifixion, altho it’s been said that since the catholic church banned eggs during lent, people had to consume the little balls of protein pretty quick right after hence an abundance of eggs on easter sunday _

 

[8:13AM]

_ but i can neither deny nor confirm the american influence of turning everything into sugar/chocolate tho _

 

[8:15AM]

_ I just want you to remember this conversation the next time you judge me for sending weird texts _

 

[8:29AM]

**That is straight up blasphemy but I haven’t been to confession in more than 5 years so who am I to judge?**

**Did you search that on Google or is that just stock knowledge you happen to have remembered at 8 in the morning? Maybe you’re the drunk one.**

**Why would I be drunk? And it’s Easter Sunday tomorrow, peasant.**

 

[8:41AM]

_ tbh ur not the 1st person this week to say i need jesus in my life _

_ AND R U RLY JUDGING ME FOR GIVING U FACTUAL TRIVIA. I had an elective on changing consumerism in the age of modern religion _

_ it’s 8am. on a saturday. why wouldn’t u be drunk, ur unholy highness? _

 

[8:45AM]

**I am absolutely perplexed at your choice of electives. Internet linguistics and religious consumerism?**

 

[8:57AM]

_ it’s not religious consumerism, that’s different!! But it’s too early for lessons so i’ll spare u _

_ also, the beyonce & black america class was full and so was the phallus through freud, feminism, and more. i didn’t want to end up in the coffee 101 class. that’s so basic. _

 

[8:59AM]

**French universities need an educational reform. What are they teaching you kids these days?!**

 

[9:06AM]

_ answer me this: why should i take an elective for spanish when i could learn elvish? _

**That… is actually a good question. And did I wake you up? Sorry! Sometimes I forget that you’re a millennial.**

 

[9:09AM]

_ honestly, i woke myself up by trying to recall what i learned in that class _

_ and you’re trying to narrow down my age group aren’t you _

 

[9:10AM]

**Yes.**

 

[9:11AM]

**Is it working?**

_ no. _

 

\---

 

[3:52PM]

_ so why do you hate easter eggs? who could hate a hollow chunk of chocolate shaped into an egg? _

_ only u, angry grandpa across the street, only u _

 

[4:09PM]

**Watson accidentally ate some so now he’s sick.**

 

[4:13PM]

_ oh no i’m sorry!! (Loudly Crying Face ) i take back my grandpa jokes. is he allergic or did he eat too much? hide all the eggs!!! _

 

[4:19PM]

**It wasn’t my easter eggs! Like I would have those in my house. He picked it up from one of the bushes and swallowed it before I could take it out of his mouth**

 

[4:21PM]

_ is he doing better now? i think ur gonna need massive backup for halloween _

**Yeah, he’s better. Sleeping it off on my bed, mostly.**

_ get well soon, watson! take this opportunity to use your sickness to your advantage. _

 

[4:22PM]

**Oh, God, don’t encourage him. I am absolutely weak to the puppy dog eyes.**

_ LOLOLOL weak. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> each chapter is like 20% writing, 20% editing, 40% formatting and 20% making sure d'Artagnan doesn't sound like a snot-nosed hipster. Also, I'm dropping some modern(-ish) slang (but not like current internet speak) into Athos' vocab because he's not actually that old.
> 
> This went on waaaay longer than I planned it to be so I cut it in half so I can post something. I’m trying my very best to have some semblance of character development but I’m too much of a mess to do it. I tried to do like… a gradual unraveling of the weirdness of their situation but I feel like they just kind of... jumped off a cliff into this and idk wtf i’m doing tbh
> 
> I have more knowledge on French geography and Paris’s arrondissements than I know what to do with… Condom is an actual French town near Lupiac. I’m not making this shit up. And I don’t mean to offend anyone interested in coffee, but I would def pick that Beyonce class because I am as basic as basic bitches come.
> 
> My eyes have been opened to ao3 work skins and the only reason I have chapter 3 ready is because I split this in half. So expect it in a few days.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Athos feat. Watson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tail end of what was supposed to be part of chapter 2. And I'm gonna go ahead and shamelessly beg for anyone to beta this, either an English/grammar beta (because English is technically not my mother tongue and some figures of speech confuse me plus I choke on big words) or plot/character beta (because d'Art is really hard to write and I sometimes dig a plot hole big enough to be my grave). I have a habit of posting a chapter and then catching a dozen mistakes and obsessively fixing them and agonizing over the people who have already probably read the update.

[Monday, April 17, 2017]

[7:48AM]

_ This is your weekly Monday reminder to drink enough fluids and wear sunscreen when outdoors! _

 

[7:57AM]

**My favorite kind of Monday morning message. And how did you know I was outdoors? Are you stalking me?**

_ oh, you wish. i have spies (lucky guess tbh) _

 

[7:58AM]

**And this is quite early for our Monday text dates.**

 

[8:03AM]

_ so you DO admit it’s a date!!!! So glad to have finally nabbed myself a Parisian DILF _

_ anyway, i don’t swing that way. and by that way, i mean towards your age bracket LOL _

 

[8:09AM]

**Do you make yourself feel better at my expense? I’m not even old enough to be a father, let alone your daddy.**

 

[8:10AM]

_ oh. sorry. _

 

[8:11AM]

_ u know i’m kidding right? are you really angry about the age jokes? or is it the gay stuff? because i can stop, just tell me, i know it makes some ppl uncomfortable _

 

[8:13AM]

**I’m messing with you. Also, it would be hypocritical of me to be angry about “gay stuff.”**

 

[8:14AM]

U ASSHOLE. and here i was, concerned for ur feelings! thought u were legit pissed there for a while tho (Weary Face ) should’ve known better since u knew what DILF means

and did u just... come out to me

 

[8:17AM]

**This is my version of keeping you on your toes. I never really hid my being bisexual, but okay, let’s put it that way. Should I be scared for my DILF virtue now?**

 

[8:21AM]

your DILF virtue is perfectly safe, altho i myself have zero virtue to speak of and my boyf can attest to that so not sure if you should still associate with me (Winking Face )

**Would “LOL” be an inappropriate reaction to that?**

 

[8:22AM]

_ DEF APPROPRIATE _

_ so how has your lundi de pâques been, my sweet ganymede? _

 

[8:23AM]

**Oh, God. Don’t call me that. I am cringing right now. That’s worse than all the age jokes.**

**I have temporary amnesia of that text.**

**I’m in the Jardins du Trocadéro with Watson so I’d say it’s going great!**

 

[8:28AM]

_ LOL okay no more references to erotic figures in mythology. don’t want to hurt your delicate DILF sensibilities. but this trauma was borne from somewhere!! _

_ and that’s so sweet! do you have him every holiday? i love that park! _

 

[8:30AM]

**My DILF sensibilities are perfectly fine, thank you.**

 

[8:31AM]

**Well, we go on walks everyday, but since it’s a holiday, my friend and I decided to make a trip out of it and go on a date. Picnic, toys, the whole shebang.**

 

[8:33AM]

_ DATE?! OH YOU DOUBLE TIMING CHEATER _

_ “Friend” huh? (Winking Face ) he’s really lucky to have a dad like you! i can tell you really love him _

 

[8:37AM]

**I’m just the chaperone, though.**

 

[8:39AM]

_ how can you expect me not to make fun of ur age when u use words like shebang _

_ lol okay i’m sorry that was mean, but i swear you set yourself up for these age jokes _

 

[8:40AM]

_ and chaperone??? for who? I thought you were the one on a date LOL _

 

[8:45AM]

**Shebang is a commonly used idiom, you simpleton. And for Watson, of course.**

 

[8:46AM]

_ … how old is he again? if you don’t mind me asking _

 

[8:51AM]

**He’s turning 7 this year!**

 

[8:54AM]

_ oh you mean like a play date LOL _

 

[8:56AM]

**Yes, a play date. What else were you thinking?**

 

[9:04AM]

_ i thought like, an actual date and you’re the kind of dad who chaperones/hovers behind a bush with binoculars as he watches his teenaged kid trade palm sweat and spit with the girl next door _

 

[9:11AM]

**I… don’t know what to say.**

 

[9:12AM]

**There is a story behind that. Don’t even deny it.**

 

[9:19AM]

_ Don’t change the subject!!! _

 

[9:24AM]

**You started it with your repressed childhood memories. Why would I even stalk my chiweenie like some kind of creepy zoophile?**

 

[9:30AM]

_ wait what _

_ how did we get to bestiality i am so confused rn _

 

[9:31AM]

_ and wtf is a chiweenie _

 

[9:34AM]

**Rn? A chiweenie is a chihuahua-dachshund mix.**

 

[9:44AM]

_ rn = right now _

_ chihuahua-dachshund???? _

 

[9:45AM]

_ wait _

_ WAIT ATHOS _

_ ATHOS WHAT OMFG _

 

[9:52AM]

**To quote you, “I am so confused rn.”**

 

[9:53AM]

_ ARE YOU TELLING ME _

_ THAT WATSON _

_ IS A DOG _

 

[9:56AM]

_ ATHOS ANSWER ME _

 

[10:00AM]

_ ATHOS PLS (Persevering Face )(Persevering Face )(Persevering Face ) _

 

[10:01AM]

**… I’m amazed at the amount of misunderstanding going on but I believe you’re mostly to blame. Yes, Watson is my dog.**

 

[10:04AM]

_ I THOUGHT WATSON WAS YOUR KID _

 

[10:05AM]

_ LIKE, HUMAN BABIES THAT COME OUT OF A HUMAN PERSON _

 

[10:06AM]

_ IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT WHEN YOU SAID YOU’RE NOT A DADDY _

 

[10:11AM]

**Ah, I can see where we might have gone wrong.**

 

[10:17AM]

_ I THOUGHT YOU WERE FIGHTING FOR YOUR HUMAN CHILD’S CUSTODY _

 

[10:21AM]

**I love him just as any man loves his child!**

_ That… is actually a really sweet thing to say i am tearin up (Loudly Crying Face ) _

 

[10:23AM]

**Yeah, yeah, you weren’t so sarcastic 5 minutes ago.**

 

[10:31AM]

_ … okay so in the interest of full disclosure, i may or may not have judged u a bit (a lot) for naming your kid watson from sherlock holmes and so i’m really glad that he’s a chiweenie and not, you know, an actual human _

 

[10:34AM]

_ NOT THAT I JUDGE PEOPLE NAMED WATSON _

 

[10:36AM]

_ but tbf if it were up to me i’d probably come up with a horrible name for my child _

 

[10:41AM]

**My ex would kill me if we ever had a child and I named him Watson. She was already unhappy with the dog being named Watson.**

**Turkey the swoose is a perfect example of your terrible child-naming skills.**

 

[10:44AM]

_ I RESENT THAT. TURKEY IS A PERFECTLY HANDSOME NAME, just like watson! i googled chiweenie pics and i was not disappointed, how could your wife be unhappy with that name?! _

 

[10:46AM]

**He is neither turkey nor duck and I will stand by that. Now that I think about it, she was unhappy of Watson’s existence in our apartment as soon as she saw him.**

 

[10:47AM]

**And since you brought up, in the interest of full disclosure and all, I may or may not have brought Watson home to piss her off on purpose.**

 

[10:51AM]

_ LOL WHO KNEW U COULD BE PETTY AF _

 

[10:52AM]

_ and she’d probably hate Turkey McDuckworth The First then _

 

[10:55AM]

**I honestly don’t understand your need to capitalize that name when you can’t be bothered with everything else.**

 

[10:56AM]

_ his name deserves the time and effort it takes me to press the caps button _

**And you should have seen her face when I brought Watson home. It keeps me alive just thinking about her displeasure.**

 

[10:58AM]

_ LOLOLOL YOU ARE TERRIBLE BUT ALSO 10/10 I APPROVE. but are there actual people on this planet who hate cute baby animals like how cold hearted can you be _

 

[11:01AM]

**Oh, these people exist. Case in point: my ex-wife. Should have been a red flag when she wanted a python over a chinchilla when we were still dating. Should have been a flaming red flag when said python bit her.**

 

[11:04AM]

_ A PYTHON?! tbf that’s actually pretty normal compared to some animal enthusiasts i’ve met, but WHO WOULD PASS OVER A CHINCHILLA???? could have dodged a bullet if you listened to your instincts like that python. _

 

[11:06AM]

**I will never understand her distaste for dogs. And I am certain there is no animal in this world more handsome than Watson and her terrible judgement reflects on her personality. Def should have listened to the python.**

 

[11:07AM]

_ why is she even fighting for custody when she hates him?! _

_ also, i’ll be the judge of that!! Send watson pics if u don’t mind pls _

 

[11:10AM]

**TBF, I didn’t know the extent of her crazy until the end of our relationship. And she’s only doing it to piss me off, which I guess is karma for using Watson to vex her in the first place.**

 

[11:15AM]

_ She… sounds like a lovely lady… (Snake )(Snake ) _

 

[11:18AM]

**As lovely as my dog right now, sniffing a random rottweiler's butt. Here’s Watson with his date.**

 

[11:19AM]

 

[11:20AM]

**He’s the one in the bunny costume. I just want it to be clear that I didn’t buy that for him and my friend blackmailed me into allowing this to happen.**

 

[11:24AM]

_ Omg _

_ ATHOS _

_ I CAN’T EVEN _

_ aslkdfjlksg;dsfkjkljsdf _

 

[11:25AM]

_ my week is complete. he gives Turkey a run for his money. I CAN’T EVEN COMPETE _

 

[11:29AM]

**Did you just have a seizure with that text? And are we in competition now? Because I have an arsenal of Watson photos at the ready.**

 

[11:32AM]

_ i had to keyboard smash because i am overwhelmed by your pic. and don’t challenge me to a cutest animal contest because i live in a farm and i have an endless supply of adorable animals _

 

[11:34AM]

**… But do you have a chiweenie? I think not. And you mentioned the idea of competition first!**

 

[11:35AM]

_ tbh i will gladly compete if you never stop sending me pics of watson. but i will def put up a good fight! _

 

[11:51AM]

**Alas, we must postpone this competition because I had to stop Watson and his date from humping someone’s pot-bellied pig while in their bunny and chicken costumes.**

 

[11:55AM]

_ wtf i cannot get that image out of my head it might give me nightmares _

 

[12:02PM]

**I’m sorry for that image. A child actually started crying so my friend and I made a dash for the car. I think we may have traumatized a kid. This competition is adjourned!**

 

[12:21PM]

_ I think you may have traumatized me?????? _

 

[12:25PM]

**LOL. Drama queen.**

 

\---

 

[Tuesday, April 18, 2017]

[6:01PM]

**I’m meeting with the lawyers tomorrow about Watson’s case and it’s one of my dreaded appointments, but I keep rereading our messages the past few days and I can’t stop laughing. I don’t think the court will be amused to see me chuckling while I fight over my chiweenie but thanks for putting some levity in this situation.**

 

[6:07PM]

**That text sounded less strange in my head.**

 

[6:54PM]

_ aww athos!! I think we’ve established pretty early that this is nowhere even near strange for us _

_ and you can make it up to me by sending me more Watson pics (Face With Stuck-Out Tongue And Winking Eye ) _

 

[7:03PM]

**Watson and his favorite toy yesterday in the park. This expression could also be attributed to the fact that he had not seen his outfit yet.**

[7:05PM]

_ ASKLDJLKDFJSG;KDJF YOU HAVE THE BEST CHIWEENIE EVER _

 

\---

 

[Wednesday, April 19, 2017]

[11:53AM]

_ hope your custody meeting went well! i’ve noticed a pattern to your wed lunch texts, and i’m gonna assume this is your version of my monday mornings so here’s a pic of Turkey McDuckworth The First (capitalization necessary) _

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Athos would be the kind of dude to have like, a huge poodle or an adorable retriever or some other majestic purebreed but I was determined for him to have a disabled rescue. I have this whole backstory of how he and Watson got together. Anyway I’m using pics from the instagram famous dog, Tuna. The files are hosted by me but I’m just putting a disclaimer here: this is all fan work, I don’t earn any money from this and I promise to use all pics of Tuna respectfully. Please don’t sue me :(
> 
> I feel like Athos is too OOC and I'm trying to fix his "voice" but it's honestly too late for that shit. Also, I was determined to use way more emojis in this fic care of our sweet Gascon BUT IT’S A REALLY TEDIOUS PROCESS ON AO3 and it makes me irrationally upset. /sadface
> 
> Cross your fingers i can vomit enough words in the next few days. Around 70% of this has been written since I posted chapter 2 but I got hit by real life real hard so I didn’t have time to write much :( but I have 3 pages worth of notes/outlines for this fic so really my only goal here is not to ghost you guys LOL I’ve only written like 10% of chap 4 and i somehow jossed my own fucking outline sooooo *le shrug*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Athos’ terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. Pics to make him feel better.
> 
> P.S I had a wild last few months, so excuse my disappearance :( also, this chap is a bit image and emoji heavy so I hope you have creator styles on.

[Friday, April 21, 2017]

[7:23PM]

(Megaphone) (Speech Balloon) (Speaker High Volume) (Speaking Head) (Woman) (fork and knife with plate) (fork and knife with plate) (Facepalm) (Monkey hear no evil) (Anger pulsing symbol) (ZZZ sleep symbol)

  
  


[7:29PM]

_Did u just pop your emoji_ (Cherry) _with that text because this isn’t sex you can’t just punch in your e-card like that THERE ARE RULES_

_Rule #12: you’re not actually supposed to convey an entire sentence thru emoji…_

 

[7:35PM]

**Go big or go home, Charles. Also, LOL e-card.**

_LOL DID U JUST_

_but welcome to the emoji generation, king tut. it’s just like when you did hieroglyphics way back when!_

 

[7:44PM]

**Rude.**

_Hilarious._ (Beating Heart )

_so i tried to decode your text and what i’m getting is that you’re either a.) in a really bad date or b.) disappointed in your pet monkey’s training_

 

[7:48PM]

**A. Definitely A.**

**Send Turkey updates to help.**

 

[7:51PM]

_oh now who’s rude? i am NOT sending u pics to amuse urself with!! put down your phone and strike a normal conversation with your date_

_sample topics: weather, politics, your ex-wife_

 

[7:52PM]

_okay that was a bad joke_

 

[7:57PM]

**You are incorrigible. I’d think you’re trying to sabotage my date!**

 

[8:00PM]

_oops caught red handed ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

_but really tho, don’t be that guy!!!_

 

[8:02PM]

**How did you type that shrugging character?!**

 

[8:03PM]

**Okay, I think she has her own Charles telling her what to do because she just brought up her ex.**

 

[8:06PM]

_ooooooh shit do you need me to claim an emergency and bail you out?_

_And practice your google-fu skills, young padawan_ ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

[8:08PM]

**Well, she’s not that bad…**

_yet._

_i’m kidding, that was mean. but as someone who’s been the token gay bff, don’t give her alcohol. no reason for you to avoid some liquid courage if it makes the night easier tho LOL_

 

[8:13PM]

**She somehow segued into dyeing her dog purple. And I don’t drink.**

_wtf don’t mention Watson at all costs!!!!_

_and what a gentleman you are, or are you just making sure you got your wits about_ (Winking Face ) _I bet you’re a broody drunk who gets all philosophical_ (Face With Tears Of Joy )

 

[8:19PM]

**I mean I don’t drink. At all.**

 

[8:20PM]

**Anymore.**

 

[8:23PM]

_OH. i’m so sorry here i go again running my mouth!! that was really insensitive of me_ (Frowning Face )

 

[8:24PM]

_i have a white noise machine for thunderstorms because i sometimes get panic attacks_

_here’s an old pic of Turkey, pls forgive me_

 

[8:28PM]

**This isn’t a competition, Charles. You don’t owe me a secret. I thought we’d be beyond that (Face With Stuck-Out Tongue )**

 

[8:29PM]

**But I definitely appreciate the Turkey photos. It felt like he was but a chick yesterday (Face with tear drop)**

 

[8:30PM]

_i know, i know! i just wanted you to feel like… well i don’t know what your reason are for quitting but that i can empathize? I guess?_

_not that i’m saying alcohol gives you panic attacks_

_just that that we all have weaknesses and scars but all that does is make us stronger people_

_not that abstinence makes you weak!_

_omg idk wat i’m saying pls stop me_

 

[8:31PM]

_also Turkey is not a chick. He’s a… i’m actually not certain. Gosling is to goose as cygnets is to swan_ (Thinking with hand on chin)(Thinking with hand on chin)(Thinking with hand on chin)

 

[8:33PM]

**Gosnet? Goslinet? Cyglings? Cygoslings?**

 

[8:34PM]

**While it doesn’t give me as much problems anymore, it was, and somehow is, still a crippling part of my life. But not so much as just last year, so at least my abysmal attempt at AA meetings is working!**

 

[8:37PM]

_… maybe we should just stick with chicks then LOL_

_and that’s good. having a good support system is really effective and even essential to people who are recovering_

_I’m really sorry for bringing this stuff up ugh how did we even get here_

 

[8:39PM]

**It’s fine. I am having an infinitely better text conversation with you than I am having a verbal one with my date right now.**

 

[8:40PM]

**Is it rude to badmouth my date while she talks about herself**

 

[8:41PM]

_yes it is rude but i am benefitting sooooo  ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯_

 

[8:42PM]

_Anyway, so we can ignore my entire word vomit earlier, just think about the lovely day you’ll be having with Watson tomorrow in the park! This date will be over before you know it_

**Tomorrow is actually the custody hearing.**

_oh._

 

[8:43PM]

_i’m just shooting myself in the foot, aren’t i_

**LOL it’s fine. I’ve been preparing for it for weeks.**

_Okay i’m loving the confidence here! Keep it up!!!!_

 

[8:45PM]

**Trying not to psych myself out. It’s always a mind game with my ex.**

_Well you’ve got me and the rest of the farm backing you up! Worst comes to worst i’ll dog nap your dog and hide him here. Caninejugal visits are every MWF from 8-18_

 

[8:49PM]

**… Caninejugal is not a word.**

_IT IS IF YOU WANT IT TO BE_

**You’re such an idiot, Charles.**

 

[8:58PM]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

\---

 

[Saturday, April 22, 2017]

[8:06AM]

_Hope your custody hearing goes well today!! Turkey and i (and the rest of the fam) are all rooting for you!!_

_Animals are sending out good vibes to you with these pics_

 

[8:07AM]

_lol sorry for the pic spam but we’re all rooting for Watson!_

 

\---

 

[Monday, April 24, 2017]

[7:31AM]

_Please welcome Gilderoy to the farm! My monday is now exponentially better_

_BUT DON’T TELL THE OTHERS I SAID THAT, I LOVE MY BABIES EQUALLY_

 

[7:32AM]

_ANYWAY he’s a rescue from another farm, but he’s gonna need a herd so i’m not so sure how long he can stay here. I’m kind of hoping he can stay forever tbh_

 

[3:11PM]

_Okay, i’m not even offended that you ignored me yday BUT HOW COULD YOU IGNORE THIS SWEET CALF_

_But for real tho r u okay???_

 

[9:24PM]

_Crickets are chirping outside. It reminds me of your sudden silence._

 

\---

 

[Wednesday, April 26, 2017]

[12:05PM]

**_Is that really a calf? I’ve never seen one so hairy!_ **

 

[12:07PM]

_sorry, who is this? my phone doesn’t register the numbers of people who suddenly ghost me_

**Oh come on, Charles.**

 

[12:08PM]

_proper netiquette means you don’t reply AFTER A WEEK. i was just about to create a eulogy!_

**I had a pretty crazy week.**

 

[12:15PM]

_really? me too. good thing it only takes me around 4.7 seconds to type a message and send a pic_ (Upside down smile)(Upside down smile)

**And you didn’t actually think that I died...**

_well, i honestly wouldn’t have known otherwise because no one can actually tell me if you just got wiped off the face of the planet, amirite?_

**Are you mad at me?**

 

[12:16PM]

_maybe >:( _

 

[12:18PM]

**Fine, then be as petty as you want to be. When did this become such a commitment?**

_hold up, i was genuinely concerned something happened_

 

[12:20PM]

**You’re the one who turned this into a scheduled responsibility and I followed along. Maybe I need to learn to stop just being told what to do.**

_Athos, calm the f down this isn’t an obligation_

**Okay. Good. Don’t waste your time holding your breath if I don’t reply again.**

 

[12:21PM]

_seriously?!_

 

[12:25PM]

_Athos._

 

\---

 

[Thursday, April 27, 2017]

[10:05AM]

**Hi. How are you?**

 

[10:18AM]

_Oh friends again, are we? regressed to such mundane platitudes now?_

**I’m sorry about yesterday :(**

**It’s only small talk if the question is insincere.**

 

[10:20AM]

_DON’T THINK U CAN BRIBE MY FORGIVENESS WITH PICS_

**I’m really sorry about the past few days.**

_uh huh. You just needed me again yday bec it was a wednesday, admit it._

 

[10:21AM]

**It’s not like that. I’ve been a shitty penpal, that much is true, so I won’t blame you if you want to end this.**

_Woah chill out bruv_

 

[10:22AM]

_I completely understand what you felt yesterday. This is def not a commitment and i dont want you to feel that way. I was honestly worried. The benefit of being digital penpals is we don’t have to be fake and pretend around each other, but the downside is i have no way to tell what’s happening unless you literally type it out for me._

_tl;dr don’t sweat it_

 

[10:24AM]

**What’s tl;dr?**

_too long; didn’t read. Web speak for in summary_

 

[10:25AM]

_but anyway, i know this is a very unconventional friendship, but i still want you to know that you can vent out to me_

 

[10:26AM]

_not that you have to. but i’m just putting that option out there esp after the weekend you had_

 

[10:29AM]

**It’s been a pretty intense past few days, with work, my ex, and a bunch of other issues that came up, so I’m hoping for a better weekend at least.**

**Honestly though, how has your week been?**

 

[10:32AM]

_Where do you work again? Or actually, what’s your work? That seems like a less creepy question since we’re avoiding specifics here LOL_

_and my week’s just same old stuff, highlighted by Gilderoy’s arrival_

 

[10:35AM]

**That… is a stupidly cute cow. I never thought I would say a sentence like that. Send more photos for confirmation.**

 

[10:34AM]

**I’m a private contractor for government security and specific skilled projects. And no, I’m not Interpol or DGSI, but we work with them.**

 

[10:35AM]

_OMG WOW???? LIKE??? Does this count under “if i tell you, i’ll have to kill you” because WOW????_

_Have you been faking being a grandpa this whole time? Can you hack into my phone and steal my Gilderoy pics?_

 

[10:38AM]

**I’m not the tech guy of my team. It is honestly infinitely less glamorous than I made it out to be. In fact, it’s leading me to an early grave faster than my alcohol addiction ever did, and that says a lot.**

 

[10:39AM]

_man, you’ve really had a shitty week huh?_

**Absolutely horrendous week if I’m being honest.**

_Do you ever pass by anywhere near the Emile Zola area?_

 

[10:40AM]

**Why? I could most days. It’s nearby my commute.**

_Give me a sec._

**What’s going on?**

 

[10:45AM]

_okay, if you have time today, there’s this cafe in Rue de Théâtre. I’ll send you the pin on google maps!_

 

[10:46AM]

**Got the link. What’s this about? Are you going to have me killed? Is this revenge for the past week?**

_Get down Emile Zola on line 10 or commerce on line 8_

 

[10:47AM]

**I do actually know where Rue de Théâtre is, believe it or not. I’m not some country bumpkin.**

_yeah, yeah, city boy, I bet you can’t even milk a cow._

 

[10:49AM]

**I milked a cow when I was 10 and I’m never touching an udder in my life again.**

_okay tbf it’s a strange experience for everybody…_

 

[10:50AM]

_anyway,  this is in no way an obligation and there’s no need to go out of your way for this! if you just happen to be in the neighborhood, please pass by and tell them your name_ (Thumbs up)

 

[10:51AM]

**Is Liam Neeson going to pop out and kick my ass ala Taken?**

 

[10:58AM]

_pfft, as if. i’d accept nobody else but Bruce Willis to decamate you. again: rue de théâtre anytime today. just tell them athos :)_

\---

 

[8:34PM]

**Wow. Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever had someone ever do this for me? Much less a complete stranger.**

 

[9:01PM]

_:D_

 

[9:02PM]

_But are we even really still strangers to each other at this point?? Would you really drink free coffee if a random stranger handed it out to you?_ (Face With Tears Of Joy )

**… Good point. LOL.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to post this like, start of October, and I pushed back to end of October, then start of November... until I was like yeah I’ll just post this before 2018 and I had to word vomit 80% of the chapter to reach my 2017 deadline when I realized I haven’t done any of the formatting or time stamps yet. Y’all have no idea how much thought goes into the time stamps T_T So my ‘let me end 2017 right’ motto just turned into ‘let me start my 2018 right’ so here’s the next chapter.
> 
> Sorta important note: What do you guys really think of the fic in this format? Because I wanted you guys to have the freedom of thinking up the in betweens and the off-screen happenings which is obviously not the same as what I’m thinking of, so it’s like, a different experience for everyone. At the same time, I’m trying to make sure it’s understandable and it’s not just my brain making up stuff that only makes sense to me, ya feel? And omg I’m getting rambly right now but contrary to popular belief, I don’t like writing shit fic just as much as I don’t like reading shit fic. So, honest opinions, is what I’m writing making ANY SENSE???? //end of important part
> 
> And there’s this thing I’m like, strangely worrying about and it’s the emoji habits of men and their masculinity being challenged by sending heart emojis to other men and would these sweet boys care about it? I KNOW THIS IS WEIRD BUT IT’S A LEGIT THING. But also d’Artagnan dgaf so idk. I am senselessly worrying about this in a fic that maybe 10 ppl on the internet read hahahahaha help

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song "one and only" by Adele, cover by Jack Martello. It's on youtube.


End file.
